So I managed to catch the movie "300
" over the weekend with The Baan
. And let me tell you this, it ain't no Alexander / Troy clone. This is a hardcore battle movie - expect to see lots of blood and arms / legs/ heads flying across the screen. Certainly not the kind of movie I'd go to see alone, but I decided to jump onto the bandwagon and see what all the fuss was about.
Well I hate to completely destroy the movie for The Baan and for a lot of you, but this is one of the
gayest movies I've seen yet (Harry Potter and LOTR is in the top ranks). I mean an entire army
wearing black low rise trunks and red capes? And every friggin soldier had a perfect six-pack...what did they bench press back then, goats? If you thought that wasn't camp enough, the main villain King Xerxes looks like a drag queen from a really bad Las Vegas show. His scenes simply spell out "closet case" - the gold S&M collars and shower-curtain piercings don't help. If you haven't watched the movie yet, then stop reading - I'm about to destroy one of the most powerful scenes in the movie. So, without further adieu, I bring you my very original Unheard Dialogues from 300:
Scene: Xerxes wants Leonidas to surrender and acknowledge him as the one true god-king bla bla bla.
Xerxes: Surrender Leonidas, you don't stand a chance against my army!
Leonidas: Surrender? Never! Spartans never...ooo that feels good...oo a little to the left...
Xerxes: Does my ass look fat in the golden thong?
Leonidas: Dude, what the fuck is that smell?
Xerxes: You like? They're my extra-strength pig hormones I got off Amazon.
Leonidas: Man, how'd you get all that bling?
Xerxes: Oh I have my sources...
Leonidas: The prop department?
Xerxes: Nah, 50 cent.
Xerxes: Where the hell have you been? Dinner was 2 hours ago!
Leonidas: Oh...er..I was out with the guys..
Xerxes: Is that blood on your cape? You were out slaughtering again, weren't you? Oh I should have listened to my mother...no good can come from marrying a man wearing a leather jockstrap!
You are reading this post on a blog is no longer maintained - please visit www.outinmyhead.com