So this weekend I went for Mark and Linda's wedding, which was just like going to prom all over again. Ruth and I went as the 'fashionably late' couple, which involved us first getting stuck in traffic at 4:30 when the wedding was due to begin, and then arriving at 9:30 at the party hall, just in time for the couple to waltz in 10 minutes after our arrival. I mentioned that if we had been any later, we would have been showered with confetti along with the couple. Can you image that? People would be hurling confetti at us and then 10 seconds later someone would shout "Hold up everyone...false alarm - just some to fucking latecomers...PLACES EVERYONE!"

The best part about weddings of course, is looking around the party hall and observing all the various characters (and alter-egos) that come to pay a visit. At our table was an OCD guy who insisted to the waiter that the centrepiece candle on our table should be lit. After the waiter lit the damn thing, a quick poll of the tables in the hall revealed we were the only retards with our candles lit, like we were a fucking lighthouse to guide the couple to the stage. I think I'll just have Bunsen burners on the tables at my wedding.

Hilarious moments of the day were as follows:

• wearing a huge condom-looking thing on my head before getting my hair dyed.
• telling Ruth that she look fabulous, but closely resembled an Oscar.
• standing in the buffet line only to hear a woman behind me yakking in Konkani, unaware that I could understand every word she was saying "Arey - where's the pork? So sad no?"
• shaking my groove thang on the dance floor only to look up and see a 55 year old woman in a blue sari dancing exactly like me. God I need to take dance lessons.
• having the bellydancer dance in front of a really old guy only for her to clap her hands loudly to have to wake him from his coma.
• watching the same bellydancer keep a straight face when the guy dancing with her looked like a Whirlpool washing machine on spin cycle.

At the end of the night, we were quite tired and it was a fantastic wedding. To Mark and Linda, wishing you both the very best for your married life, and once again, Congratulations!

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