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Friday, January 27, 2006
Diary Of A Mad Gay Man
March 3rd, 2020

Often I wonder why the hell I decided to leave everything behind and come here. 10 years ago the thought of coming to live in a new country filled me with excitement. Now, all I can think about is how shitty things have gone for me. Work has lost all meaning, and I really doubt how much longer I can come in late for work before Greg fires my sorry ass. My depression has begun to seep back in - last night I took 2 full packets of Panadol in the hopes that I'd OD or something, but it only made me shit like tar. I'm a sorry excuse for a human being - my disco days are well over. Divorced at 37 and living in a house that was built from scratch to hold in the love of two people. Fucking waste of time that was. Planning to sell this place in a couple of months or so - it takes me a hell lot of time to keep such a huge damn house clean and tidy, even if there is only one person living int it. Right now I'm wishing I had taken up smoking or booze when I was younger - at least I could die from some damn addiction than just sitting here in my own house feeling like a stranger. I guess 9 years of marriage didn't mean a fuck to _________ coz I haven't heard from the swine in a while. Let him go to hell for all I care, or go sleep with every other tramp he meets on the street.

Yesterday Mrs. _________ wanted to know if I would like to come over for dinner - doesn't this bitch ever get tired of holding dinner parties?

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Sunday, January 22, 2006
Kiss the Rain
I'm proud of me. I've been posting to this blog quite faithfully now, and I'm happy to say that I've gotten 74 new visitors this month alone. I rarely would bother about something as petty as visitor information, but I wanted to know how other people found my blog. Apart from the usual links in my forum signatures and on my friends' blogs, my blog also shows up in search engines. So what are people typing in to get to my blog? Here's the copy-paste list directly from my hit coutner control panel:

Recent Keyword Activity (out in my head)

why men grab their crotch
why do guys scratch there privates all the time
why do men grab their crotch
would you like to come up for some coffee seinfeld
guys grab their junk
out of the head

(I knew that crotch-grabbing post was a good idea.)

In other news, my sis has finally moved out to her own apartment. In my head she hasn't technically moved out because she's just 3 buildings away, but hey - she's happy. I've got mixed feelings as I part with my very own in-house fashion critic and brace myself for the mammoth task of re-doing her bedroom up as a guest bedroom. Also, my hair feels like cardboard, so I need to go now.

Keep visiting!

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Wednesday, January 18, 2006
You're the one that I want
Today marked the start of a new season of American Idol. Frankly speaking, there should be a Gay Idol(and here's a gay view of American Idol). Criteria for being on Gay Idol is as follows:

1) You have to be gay. We just aren't looking for bisexual people at the moment.
2) You must know the lyrics and dance moves to at least 8 songs by Kylie.
3) Extensive knowledge of past Broadway shows is a plus. Actually starring in a production will give you a free backstage pass so you can sleep with the judges.
4) You should not be ashamed of wearing pink. Or feathers.
5) Rainbow wigs are frowned upon during auditions. Please leave your Pride materials at home.
6) Singing talent is good, but not really required. In the event that the judges are unsure if you should go to the next round, just strip.

(Wait, that's not Gay Idol - that's Gay Cliché...)

But seriously speaking, I do have Gay Idols in my life. People who, against all odds, have stood firm and proud in who they are. And no, my Idols aren't all the openly gay celebrities you read about. They are the people in my life who just like me, are proud to be different, and wouldn't have things any other way.

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Saturday, January 14, 2006
Hooked on a Feeling
Dates are really fun things. Well, at least they used to be. I remember in my good old college days when one of my girls got asked out by some chap she fancied to go for a movie with him, she went all hyper and said "Oh my god I've got a date with him!" To which I replied "You mean a date date, or a date date?" Thinking of it now I wonder what people would have been thinking of us as we sat there giggling like two schoolgirls staring at a dirty magazine. Whoops...wrong imagery!

However pleasant a date may be, three simple words at the end of a date can bring it all crashing down- "Wanna come up?" I've heard this so many times before, and it rarely means that we're going to go up to watch DVDs. What's even worse is when people add the word "coffee" to the end. "Wanna come up for coffee?" Full points for harnessing the full potential of your vocabulary. And coffee in the middle of the night? Are you that good in bed that I'm going to need coffee to keep up with you? Ladies and gents, the next time you're presented with this utterly useless phrase, just do what George did in an episode of Seinfeld:

Date: So er, would you like to come up for some coffee?
George: Oh no thanks, coffee makes me hyperactive at night

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Wednesday, January 11, 2006
I dreamed a dream
February 16th, 2019

Ah, spring. It has always been my favorite season. Goodbye to -23 temperatures and hello sunshine. ________ woke me up early today because Abbie had decided to nap on the roof last night. Again. So the better half of my morning was spent getting her down, which amused ________ greatly as he is a dog person and the cats are my responsibility. Ron on the other hand, had chosen to take up residence under my bed, which in my opinion is a much better option than sleeping on the friggin roof. In all my years of having these two, I'll still never fully understand cats. This is the part when ________ pipes in with his "I'm so glad I'm a dog person" speech. Hey, he has his own share of problems with Rufus...I've warned ________ that if that dog jumps into the tub one more time, I'm going to electrocute him with my hairdryer.

Tanni wasn't at the gym today as she had flown to Florida for her sister's wedding. Our replacement trainer was just as good as her though - he made sure I stuck to my workout routine and totally ignored my whining to have a water break every 20 minutes. Gym still hasn't grown on me, but I do it just to be with ________ . Hey, any time we have together is a precious thing these days, what with me having to attend to the construction going on in the cafe. You would think that replacing a signboard wasn't rocket science, but the people who are doing the new signage are taking forever! Still, a name change was long overdue - "Cafe Chaud" no longer matched the new decor and feel of the place. It still is a coffee shop by day and a club by night, but I wanted something with a little more zest in the name :) For now only the construction people and myself know what the new name is. ________ is just going to have to wait till the grand re-opening :)

(If you're a single guy, put your name in place of the blanks and re-read. Then give me a holler.)

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Sunday, January 08, 2006
Shining Light
People always have something to say about my weight. When relatives came over during Christmas, they had to say something about how slim I was (hey, any sentence that ends in "So sad, no?" isn't going to be a compliment). I mean what the hell people, talk about my IQ, my TOEFL score, the fact that I'm in an apron carving turkey, but nooo they have to go after my weight. I happen to be one of those people who burn calories in a nanosecond, so forgive me if I'm not sporting a belly at age 23. The fact is, I've grown to like how I look, and until I get over my gymophobia, my weight ain't going anywhere. I just hope that when I hit 40 I look as hot as someone I know ;)

There are some things around the house that I don't mind doing. Like ironing for example. Quite a simple, stress-free thing to do, good upper body workout, and clean, crisp shirts in the process. Lovely. But I don't think the good Lord designed me to do laundry. Well actually, all I really do is load up the clothes into the washing machine and it pretty much does the rest. Now I've done the laundry before, but today I broke the cardinal rule of washing. I mixed a black sweater with my whites. And yes, you've guessed it, I was listening to my mp3 player whilst loading the clothes in. So absent-minded me didn't see the sweater get hurled into the machine until I heard a *bing* and the laundry was complete. Of course, now all my clothes from my T-shirts to my shorts are a brilliant shade of mauve (how do you get mauve from a black sweater?). So now they're recuperating in a bucket of bleach in the hopes that they can be salvaged.

Vacuuming. I think I'll just stick to vacuuming.

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Friday, January 06, 2006
Mambo Italiano
Human beings are truly interesting specimens. No wonder we have so many movies about aliens coming to Earth to capture and probe humans. We truly are a fascinating species. Moronic at times, but mostly fascinating. For example, did you know that we have two faces? You heard right. Two! And I thought applying a face mask for one face was a pain in the ass. Face number 1 I hear, is the regular face that looks back at us in the mirror and has the most wrinkles. Face number 2 however, is slightly more difficult to find. Studies have shown that Face number 2 appears mostly during traffic jams, spilling hot coffee on your lap, listening to Britney Spears, and uncomfortable sex. Of course, not necessarily in that particular order. And if that wasn't enough, Face number 2 is often accompanied by a verbal onslaught from Mouth number 2. Utterly fascinating.

Next week's topic is a curious one found in the male specimen: Head number 2.

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Sunday, January 01, 2006
Happy New Year
Having lived in Dubai for 20-something years, it's a bit surreal for me to be frolicking around in the snow. Nevertheless, it's exactly what I did on New Year's Eve. I spent two and a half hours in Ski Dubai, cold and feeling quite naked without a beanie on my head. But it really was a lot of fun and a perfect way to end 2005 (Starbucks never looked so good on my way out). A cup of hot chocolate and an eclair later I was able to feel my fingers again and my ears were slowly begining to come out of hibernation. I should really re-think my big migration plans to Canada which is really one big ski dome in itself. I could barely walk around in a place that's -8C, just imagine if I walk out when it's -40C!

2006 is going to be a good year - my year. Happy New Year to everyone...best wishes and God bless.

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