Dear Friend,

I got an unexpected email today from your sister in which she told me that you had made another attempt on your life. I was a bit sad to hear about this, but I was more concerned about whether you were alive or not. She told me that you tried drowning this time but someone managed to break through the door after they found out you had locked it. I am sorry that these feelings have come up again - I know how hard you have been fighting to work things out within yourself and move on with your life. You were such a different person in school, and I really miss seeing that side of you. I know that life sometimes seems so impossible and that death is the easy door out, but frankly it really isn't. I know that you read this every so often, so I want to dedicate this post to you, in the hopes that you will realize that sometimes even the strongest seeming people can break down into pieces.

When I was 17 my depression cycles would occur more often. Though I was faithfully on my meds, they seemed to have little effect. One day, I unscrewed the blade from a pencil sharpener and went to the bathroom. I dug the blade deep into my thighs and into my buttocks, letting it carve through my flesh like you would a turkey. But within minutes, the regret set in and I panicked. I hugged my thighs and pressed my wounds as tightly as possible. Though there weren't so many cuts, there were still small trickles of blood going down my thighs. I gently washed myself and wrapped my entire lower body in long cream bandages. I put on a pair of jeans and painfully walked out. After a week, the cuts had nearly closed up, yet the dark lines scored across my thighs.

At 23 my depression would set in only when triggered by external events, such as conversations, people, or particular environments. During one of my more aggravated phases, I ingested about 12 Panadols before going to sleep, under the delusion that I would never wake up in the morning. Two hours after I had gone to bed, I awoke and threw up on my zebra rug - another hour or so would have caused liver damage.

So you see my friend, even the mightiest among us have fallen in their lives, so do not think that you are in this world on your own. I hope that you find the strength that you need to bring yourself out of this low part in your life, so you can really, truly, start living.


Yours always.

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