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Saturday, March 24, 2007
You're All I Have
So I managed to catch the movie "300" over the weekend with The Baan. And let me tell you this, it ain't no Alexander / Troy clone. This is a hardcore battle movie - expect to see lots of blood and arms / legs/ heads flying across the screen. Certainly not the kind of movie I'd go to see alone, but I decided to jump onto the bandwagon and see what all the fuss was about.

Well I hate to completely destroy the movie for The Baan and for a lot of you, but this is one of the gayest movies I've seen yet (Harry Potter and LOTR is in the top ranks). I mean an entire army wearing black low rise trunks and red capes? And every friggin soldier had a perfect six-pack...what did they bench press back then, goats? If you thought that wasn't camp enough, the main villain King Xerxes looks like a drag queen from a really bad Las Vegas show. His scenes simply spell out "closet case" - the gold S&M collars and shower-curtain piercings don't help. If you haven't watched the movie yet, then stop reading - I'm about to destroy one of the most powerful scenes in the movie. So, without further adieu, I bring you my very original Unheard Dialogues from 300:

Scene: Xerxes wants Leonidas to surrender and acknowledge him as the one true god-king bla bla bla.




Xerxes: Surrender Leonidas, you don't stand a chance against my army!
Leonidas: Surrender? Never! Spartans never...ooo that feels good...oo a little to the left...

Xerxes: Does my ass look fat in the golden thong?

Leonidas: Dude, what the fuck is that smell?
Xerxes: You like? They're my extra-strength pig hormones I got off Amazon.

Leonidas: Man, how'd you get all that bling?
Xerxes: Oh I have my sources...
Leonidas: The prop department?
Xerxes: Nah, 50 cent.

Xerxes: Where the hell have you been? Dinner was 2 hours ago!
Leonidas: Oh...er..I was out with the guys..
Xerxes: Is that blood on your cape? You were out slaughtering again, weren't you? Oh I should have listened to my mother...no good can come from marrying a man wearing a leather jockstrap!


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4 Comments:
Blogger The Bann said...
THIS IS NOT a Gay(ish) MOVIE !!

lol

Come on nicky.. blood n tears n sweat n heads flying ..n men killing each other .. are kinda.. ermm .. a straight thing ...

snif .. i wont be able to look at it the same way again ..
:P

Blogger nick said...
And phrases like "you have perfect trust" isn't gay..lol :) Sorry to kill the movie for you hon...aren't you happy I haven't watched Sin City yet? :o)

Blogger nick said...
^^ and that's 'Thrust' not 'trust'!!!!

Blogger Kiwi Boy said...
Ok. Is this the Xerxes from the book of Esther? 'Cuz um, then Esther shouldn't have married him, Mordechai should have!

The word verification below is hilarious: the last 3 letters are 'snm'.