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Friday, July 30, 2010
I Got It Bad
If as a parent, you wonder if you child is gay, there is indeed a very simple thing that you can do to find out:

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Tuesday, July 27, 2010
Better The Devil You Know
Over the years, I've been asked all kinds of questions about my sexuality and the whole 'being gay' thing. Some questions are legitimate while others are just plain stupid. So in an effort to satisfy your knowledge of les gays, I've put together a quick FAQ which I hope you will all find useful. Enjoy!

  1. Being gay does not mean I'm allergic to sports.
  2. I am attracted to other gay men, not straight men. I do not enjoy barking up the wrong tree.
  3. No, I don't fucking read Perez Hilton's blog or have anything to do with him.
  4. Brokeback Mountain was a decent film. However please don't assume that all gay men like to have tent sex on some mountain.
  5. Sex and the City is not our Bible.
  6. Just because I'm gay doesn't mean that I can't whoop your ass if I needed to.
  7. "If we allow gay marriage, then what's next, People marrying animals?" <-- I shit myself laughing when I hear this.
  8. Being gay does not mean I aspire to be a woman. Don't make me come over there and prove that I've got a penis.
  9. The fact you're worried that I'd fuck your boyfriend says far more about your relationship than it does about me.
  10. Gay couples don't obsess over who's the 'husband' and who's the 'wife'. So stop fucking asking us.
  11. Not all gay men want to belt out Cher numbers at karaoke.
  12. Not all gays can tell the difference between 'Pink' and 'Fuchsia'. But there is a difference.
  13. If you want to say something is stupid, please don't say "That's so gay".
  14. Gays = evil, evil=devil, therefore devil is gay. Think about it - he's horny and flaming.
  15. Just because I'm gay does not mean I'm going to hell. Come up with a better catchphrase.
  16. Sister, if your boyfriend wants to be in a threesome with another man, he's gay.
  17. Not all gay men go clubbing. Some of us spend time at home watching a movie or reading. Shocking, I know.
  18. Even some gay men don't understand what 'gaydar' is.
  19. A straight man can wear pink and still be a man. As long as it's not the same color as pink highlighter pen.
  20. Gay men make great uncles who can spoil your kids and dress them up in fab gear because you're shit broke.
  21. Just because I'm gay doesn't mean I want to attend your bachelorette party or baby shower. Thank you for the invite though.
  22. If you're clean-shaven, it does not mean you're gay.
  23. If a gay man flirts with a straight man, that is a massive compliment. It means you also have a backup plan.
  24. When a gay man is drunk, he does not become straight, he just gains a fascination with female anatomy.
  25. Gay is NOT contagious.
  26. No, we don't go into the changing rooms at cK and dry-hump the posters.
  27. I'm gay and I own electronic devices that are not vibrators.
  28. No it doesn't hurt. And it actually feels really good. If it hurts, you're not doing it right.
  29. I am not afraid of the word "vagina". Its a word. I will however, not inspect it on your behalf.
  30. Yes, I CAN know that I'm gay even if I've never tried having sex with a girl. Deal with it.
  31. Stop asking us if we watch Queer Eye for the Straight Guy or any other gay-friendly programming.
  32. Gay men aren't out to 'convert' straight men like a religious cult. "Hello, care to hear about the healing power of cock?"
  33. Gay men play video games too.
  34. Not every gay guy creams himself over Jake Gyllenhaal.
  35. If a gay guy comes out, support and love him. Don't assume that he's about to do drag.
  36. Girls, please stop saying "Oh what a waste!" when you find out a guy is gay. It is NOT a compliment.
  37. Lesbians aren't the natural enemy of gay men. Homophobes are.
  38. Ladies, just because we're gay doesn't mean we want to know that you're on your period. Hokay?
  39. It is entirely possible for a gay man to not giggle like a schoolgirl at the mention of the number 69.
  40. We all have the ability to talk like a stereotypical gay man with a lisp. Most of us just choose not to.
  41. It's unfortunate, but gay men can and do get crushes on straight friends. It does not however mean we want to give you a blowjob.
  42. If you're on Manjam.com, admit it. I have an account because it amuses me greatly to see men searching for 'soulmates' on it.
  43. Like most women, we too don't like it when 35 minutes into a date the other guy is taking his pants off.
  44. I'm gay, not "a" gay. Learn the fucking difference, bitch.
  45. I'm gay, not a cookbook. ...or a hair stylist. ...or a make-up artist. ...or a florist. ...or a porn star....
  46. 3 months is not a long term relationship. Period.
  47. Gay men ARE NOT A BREED OF MAN. "Oh, you're gay! I have a gay friend, you should totally meet!" Seriously.
  48. When a group of gay man decide to go on a trip, it doesn't necessarily mean they will spend days in a roman orgy.
  49. Gay men who moan about how men are shit have been dumped. Get over it. You're making the rest of us look bad.
  50. Looking at a naked woman to me is like looking at a chair: I'm quite indifferent to it. The difference is I WILL find a use for the chair
  51. Not every gay man worships Madonna. But it IS true that 95% of gay men will like at least one Madonna song... the other 5% are in denial.
  52. A dance song with a big black diva singing, 'It's all right' or 'Be yourself' or any variation on that theme will become a gay dance classic.
  53. Every gay at one point catwalks down the hall to a pop song. Beyonce gets the best of all of us.
  54. Men, like lottery tickets, should not be had every day. The odds are the same.
  55. Gay men can wear other colors besides pink. It's not like we're going against a gay code or anything.
  56. You don't HAVE to love Will&Grace to be a respectable gay man.
  57. Ladies, when a guy says he's gay. Don't fall for him. He's not going to change his mind.
  58. Not all gay men aspire to wear women's clothes. Most are quite happy in men's garments.
  59. Rosie O'Donnell is not the emperor of gay people and sometimes just needs to shut up. (Ellen is cool however).
  60. Gay life can be empty and depressing, but bitching about it outside the confines of a few close friends will get you tagged as bitter.

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Monday, July 12, 2010
Common People
I love my phone.

And not just because it's pink and has stickers like "I love the UPS guy" on it, but because my phone is a doorway for a flood of entertaining spam to try and get through. When I'm not frantically deleting SMS messages about international phone rates, or special offers at an overpriced steakhouse, I'm dealing with complete morons calling me up for random customer service surveys or some other shit.

A new thing I've discovered is that word has got out that I have a lot of money and need to invest it somewhere as clearly I'm a complete moron when it comes to saving and apparently stuffing wads of cash under my mattress isn't a great idea. But back to my phone call - I got a call from a 'reputed financial advisor' who has probably called at least four of the people reading this blog post. By the end of the conversation I had caused myself a serious hernia from holding in my laughter, as well as making the guy feel about 2 inches tall.

So if you're tired of random strangers calling you up and telling you that they have a better idea what you can do with your money, then read on:

(phone rings)
me: Hello?
Caller: Hi there! This is Daniel calling from _________ - am I speaking to Mr. _______?
me: Yes you are
Caller: (exploding with excitement that I'm the first person who's not told him to fuck off yet) OH HI THERE!
me: Hiiii.........
D: How are you?
me: I'm doing good - doing really good!
D: Do you have a few moments to talk?

(At this point I've now stepped away from my desk at work, having made up my mind to compeletly screw this guy into oblivion)

me: sure go ahead - what can I help you with?
D: Oh great - well I got your contact from a colleague of mine.....
me: oh really? Which colleague was that?
D: Sorry?
me: Who did you get my number from?
D: Oh right - sorry! I got it from my colleague Sayed - he said you'd be keen to hear what we can offer you.
me: Sayed? Sayed..Sayed....Oh yes Sayed! I remember him! (I've never known anyone with that name in my life!)
D: That's great! So..
me: I didn't know he was working for _______ now! That's great news! How's he doing?
D: Uh - yea he's doing good now... (clearly bullshitting along with me at this point)
me: Oh that's really good to hear - I didn't hear back from him after his divorce
D: Yea - well he's a good guy, he's doing much better now
me: That's great - well do pass on my regards!
D: Oh yea, I will....
me: Great - so Daniel, what can I help you with?
D: (breathing a very loud sigh of relief) Ok great! Well as I said I'm calling from ________ and just wanted to talk to you about a new package that we've launched that I think you'd be interested in.
me: Sure - go for it!

(Proceeds to go on long-winded description of said package and financial benefit, and how over a period of years I can reap the benefits bla bla bla)

D: So how does that sound?
me: Well it sounds quite interesting actually
D: That's great - just what I wanted to hear. I can come and meet you in person to talk to you about the package some more as well as answer any questions you may have. Can I just ask you a few basic questions?
me: Sure no problem - go ahead!
D: Excellent - so I'm assuming that you're British?

I'm going to pause at this point and say a couple of things. Firstly, I'm not British. Secondly, I honestly understand why the guy would have made this mistake because I have a lot of British coworkers, and over the past 4 years their accent has rubbed off a bit into the way I talk. But I digress...

me: Actually, I'm not British, I'm Indian.
D: Oh really? So sorry about that - I couldn't quite place your accent...really sorry about that.
me: That's okay.
D: So moving on, can I ask what salary you are on?
me: salary?
D: Yes salary - how much do you earn per month?
me: Oh I don't earn anything per month
D: Sorry?
me: I don't work
D: So you're unemployed?
me: No, I don't work because I don't need to
D: Er - so you don't have a permanent job in the UAE?
me: No, I don't have a permanent job, I mostly do freelance work if I want to
D: (clearly disappointed) Okay, so you're not working full time at the moment then. Do you have any funds or assets here in the UAE?
me: Yes, I have some money here in a savings account
D: (clearly not interested at this point) Oh okay, so how much do you have in savings?
me: I think about 2
D: 2?
me: Yea, about 2 maybe, it might be a bit more or less.
D: 2 what? Thousand?
me: Oh no, 2 million
me: Yes about 2 million I think
D: Are you serious?
me: Of course I'm serious
D: No seriously, you have 2 million in savings?
me: Yes, why do you think I do only freelance?
D: Wow - I mean really, you have 2 million in your bank account?
me: Is that a problem?
D: No no, of course not! No problem at all! (I can hear him hyperventilating at this point) We can certainly help you invest that money so you can get a quicker return!
me: Oh but I've already got someone for that
D: Sorry?
me: yes, yes, I am working with _______ from ________ who is helping me with my investments quite well for the past couple of months
D: Oh okay, so you wouldn't be interested in meeting with me to discuss any help with your finances?
me: No, I think I'm quite happy with _________
D: Okay then, well thanks a lot for your time and have a great day, but do feel free to call me if you need anything at all.
me: Sure, no problems at all!
D: Okay - well bye then!
me: Oh, Daniel?
D: Yes?
me: Could you please give me Sayed's number? It would be great to catch up with him after so long!
D: You know I'll just ask him to call you back instead if that's okay with you
me: Sure, no problem at all - have a great day Daniel!
D: Bye. (click)

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Friday, July 02, 2010
Meri Marzi
For those of you who've been catching my Twitter feed, you'll know that I was in India this past week, and while I was there I lost my very swanky Olympus camera. Luckily on my last day before flying back to Dubai, I managed to get it back. So for your entertainment, here's an account of what happened:

Tuesday - took a 'cool cab' from the hotel to the office with laptop and camera in tow. Got up to the office and realized two hours later that I had left the camera in the cab. I call the hotel and inform them to call me if anyone hands it in. My coworkers happily inform me that I should kiss my camera goodbye.

Wednesday - still no sign of the camera, and nothing turned into the hotel.

Thursday - check out of the hotel and inquire one last time if a camera has been handed in. Concierge turns up with nothing so I woefully check out of the hotel and call for a cab.

Now here's where life gets hilarious - as fate would have it, the same cab driver pulls up to the hotel. Clearly I've got the memory of a goldfish, so I fail to recognize him but he instantly knows who I am as we pull out of the hotel parking. He then proceeds to refresh my memory by saying that he has picked me up from the hotel before, and if I have lost anything. I sit bolt upright in my seat and in my 3rd grade Hindi tell him that I've misplaced my camera. The chap then tells me (to my surprise) that he handed it in to the hotel on Tuesday night. With a bellowing "VAPAS!!" (translation: 'go back') to the driver, he makes a 180 turn in the middle of the road and tears down towards the hotel. He pulls up to the taxi queue at the back of the hotel and proceeds to explain to his boss and the security guard what exactly my predicament is. Within 20 seconds, there is a small mob of drivers around my cab, eagerly trying to find out what's going on, while my driver is spinning a tale about how close he came to missing me etc. After what seems like ages, one of the hotel security staff emerges with my camera in tow - he hands over my camera, apologizes for the delay, and the whole escapade is over.

Of course, not without first taking a photo of my heroes:

I love India.

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