Love is...

...knowing when to shut up.
...laughing when he tells the same joke for the 23rd time.
...letting him have the sheets.
...swapping pancakes for dosas.
...more than a reason to make out.
...letting him drink out of the carton.
...watching a horrible movie and then telling him his choice sucked.
...dinner at home on the couch.
...an excuse to buy pretty things.
...beating 1 hour of traffic to meet him for breakfast.
...more than you ever need.
...being visually challenged.

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Just for kicks, a friend and I picked up this book at a book sale a few weeks ago. Yesterday while I was doing her hair, she read out a chapter that happened to be on 'great positions'. Here's what the book said:

"...the woman should be positioned in such a way that her pelvis is pressing down against the bed, and the man should gingerly rest his weight on his heels while preparing to lie on top of her. If he wants, he can slide his arms under her so his elbows are perpendicular to her spine and supporting her..."

Okay, I don't know about you lot, but the only time I want to use the word 'gingerly' is when I'm giving instructions on how to diffuse a bomb. And seriously speaking, who even reads these books? Can you imagine couples getting in to the heat of things and then the man saying 'Hang a second sweetie, let me just look at the diagram" Or worse still, what if she says "That's not how they're doing it - SEE? Look at the picture!" But probably the worst ever thing would be the look on the clerk's face when you try to buy this book at the bookstore. It's like having a big invisible 'LOSER' neon sign stuck to your crotch.

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"I've always told myself that when this day would come, I would know just what to say to express how I feel for you. But the truth is, standing here today, I can't think of anything clever or romantic to say to you. You know how I feel about you, and how every day I am thankful that you are in my life. I stand before you today as your friend, your lover, and your partner for life. Accept this ring as a symbol of my love and fidelity, for richer or poorer, for better or for worse, in sickness and in health, until death do us part."


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Last week I was sitting with a coworker of mine and having breakfast, and she was talking about her wedding next year. Completely out of the blue, she asked me "When you get married, are you going to be the wife?" I first snorted out my tea and the proceeded to choke on the half-chewed morsel of muffin in my mouth. I honestly thought she was just pulling my leg, but when I looked up at her, she was actually staring at me, waiting for my answer! I gave her a very loud "Seriously!?" and that shut her up. I mean talk about a cliche - asking a gay man if he's going to be the 'wife' in the relationship. Some people really need to update their knowledgebase on gay men - we all don't worship Kylie, listen to Madonna, and lip-sync to Cher. We don't need to buy Prada, Fendi, and think that Gucci was sent down by God.

Today I stayed back in church a bit longer after the evening service, and discovered that there was a novena for all the 'lost and hopeless cases'. Yup - apparently if you pray to St Jude, he'll sort you out. The patron saint of losers - and here I thought it was Dame Edna.

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You are reading this post on a blog is no longer maintained - please visit www.outinmyhead.com instead!

Bored at work? Can't wait for my next exciting blog post? Need a website to give you a quick smile? Well look no further - Tom Cruise has officially launched his website. TomCruise.com has messages from the actor, notes, pictures, and all the usual blurb. Why he'd want to clog up a piece of cyberspace is beyond me, but at least you know where to go for the 'legal' explanation for any further couch-jumping antics.

By the way, the background website music sounds like it's ripped from a fucking 1970s news broadcast!

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You are reading this post on a blog is no longer maintained - please visit www.outinmyhead.com instead!

Perfection. In our endless quest to find and master it, are we really just looking for something that is a figment of our imagination?

Wow - talk about a morbid way to start a blog post. But seriously, what's with our obsession with perfection? When people talk about their wedding, they want things to go 'perfectly'. When they want to buy a house, it has to be in the 'perfect' location. Even when you have to plan a funeral, it has to be the 'perfect' send-off. Heck, as long as the dead stay dead, I'd call that a good success rate.

Like many people, we often fantasize about our 'perfect' partner. What they should wear, how they should look, talk, walk - we fuss about every single detail until we've built up our picture-perfect partner, the one who will 'complete' us. In my opinion, the only time anyone is going to 'complete' me is when they're giving me their kidney.

I used to think about my perfect man for the longest time. Want me to divulge? He had to be tall, well educated, Indian, polite, love to travel, have a great body, be a good listener, spend nights curled up in front of the TV with me, send me flowers for no reason, know how to cook - the list goes on an on. I used to wonder why I was never meeting the right men, because as soon as a guy expressed an interest in me, off went the mental checklist in my head. One mismatch and he was already in the Recycle Bin. Over time, I saw some of my girlfriends go through this same process - girl meets guy, guy is quite a catch, but girl dumps guy because he doesn't meet all the criteria. Eventually, I got just fed up of waiting for Mr Magical to walk into my life, and I decided to re-evaluate 'The List'. Now I'm just looking for a guy who's honest, fun to be with, and who can put up with my insanity - I don't care for all this 'wind beneath my wings' and other Hallmark bullshit. Mind you, just because I've scrapped my original list doesn't mean I'm settling for 'second best' - it just means I'm settling for something real.

Think about it.

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Here's a question for you - how many times have you met a really great guy, chatted for a bit, exchanged numbers, and then patiently waited all week for him to ring you back? It's an eternal paradox that millions of women and gay men face all the time. The oh-so-charming man who catches your attention, and leaves you with 'I'll call you sometime' - except the 'sometime' never seems to come around. And you tend to go slightly insane during the waiting process. You check if your phone is working, if you've accidentally activated call divert, or you apply for call divert so you can divert your home phone to the second cell phone that you've just bought so that you don't miss his call. Eventually, he will find your number on a napkin deep down in his trouser pocket, mingling with ribbed condoms and mint gum. And when he finally does call you back (if he does), you pretend like you haven't been sitting next to the phone telephatically trying to make it ring.

I for one have been in this situation before. Cute guy, great conversation, we laugh, we smile, the numbers exchange hands, and then absolutely nothing - it's like these 'wonder men' just step off the earth and into a black hole. If you're not going to call us back, will you fucking grow some balls and just tell us? We would much rather have the up-front rejection than the days of agony spent hoarding the phone.

So remember my sweeties,

If he's not calling you,
If he's not marrying you,
If he's not sleeping with you,

Then he's just not that into you.

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