Dear Malls of Dubai,

Every so often, I take the perilous journey to one of the various shopping malls dotted around town. Of course, finding a parking space is about as miraculous as a second Immaculate Conception, but I remain hopeful at all times. If I do manage to find a spot for my car and then saunter into the mall, I am overwhelmed by a tidal wave of people scurrying around the mall. And do you know why people scurry instead of walking? It's because there's no freaking place to walk around properly - there are so many kiosks scattered around the mall, that it's like trying to navigate a retail minefield. I'm sorry, but I don't need to buy knives, roasted nuts, sweets, muscle powders, zipper handbags, cheap wallets, belts, real estate, or the other shit that's in the way. Why can't everyone just rent out one huge store in the mall and call it "Random Crap"?

Sincerely,

A concerned shopper

Section 377 is dead.

To my brothers and sisters in India, I congratulate you all on this milestone.

The road ahead is still not going to be an easy one, but this is just the first step for you all.

I'm beginning to think that being gay is the new trend. Every second person you hear about is suddenly coming flying out of the closet - whether it's a celebrity or your local paperboy, gay is the new vogue.

So it's rather fitting that I include this little gem of a video to remind ourselves that it's not always good that everyone seems to be turning gay...

I recently got a new Olympus camera for my birthday, and I've been getting back into photography - I've uploaded some of my early work, so would love to hear what you think of it!

Have a peek here: out in my head | Art & Photography

Couples with kids always provide me with some sort of entertainment value. This week while strolling through one of Dubai's various malls, something new caught my attention - baby prams. Now my mum never had the luxury of dumping us in a four wheel buggy and wheeling us around whenever she wanted - she would carry us around until we were old enough to walk (or crawl for that matter). But parents today seem to love nothing more than strapping their kids in and carting them around for the world to see. Frankly I don't see anything wrong with this, but what really gets me giggling is the prams that I see the kids in. Some of them require an engineering degree to set up, as I see parents struggling to get the right parts to snap and lock into place so that the damn thing doesn't fold up with their kid still inside. Like a car, buying a pram for the first time can often be a daunting task - with so many models available on the market, which one is the right choice for you?

Fear not loyal readers, for I have compiled the perfect pram-buying guide to help you make the right choice for your baby needs:

Pram 1.0 - the Pram 1.0 model is a lightweight choice with collapsible hinges for easy storage in your car's boot. Slight risk of jamming fingers is expected, but wearing welder's gloves during handling helps greatly.
Zipper MX 200 - the Zipper model is an easy selection for the parent who wants to keep their child snug and safe. You can attach another Zipper side by side to accommodate twins, though you risk increasing your pram's width to the size of a Hummer. With padded interiors, detachable visor and anti-skid wheels, this little gem is quick enough to dart through crowds while still giving people a long enough glance at your little bundle of joy.
Trimate VT 225 - this cute three wheeler may look like a robot from Terminator 3, but don't let its looks fool you. With a pivoted cradle and dual-swing basket, it's tough enough to stay balanced even when you stupidly pile all your shopping bags in on top of your kid.
Pramtron GX 4000 - with all-terrain wheels, alloy bodywork, ABS, NASA-certified cushioned interiors, and reverse warning beepers, this little powerhouse is the choice to make when you want only the best. May require driving permit to operate.

I love how I get to experience random adventures in my life at the most inappropriate times. Today's episode clearly goes into my Hall of Fame as one of the most embarrassing moments ever. I needed to pop out to a nearby supermarket to get some groceries for the day, so I pulled on a pair of my jeans, grabbed my car keys and headed out the door. Now only when I reached the supermarket did I realize that I hadn't worn a belt with my jeans, which were now sitting snugly on my hips. Not paying much attention, I wandered into the store to get on with my shopping. Half an hour later, I'm standing in line with a trolley full of groceries, patiently waiting my turn. Now most of you will pretty much guess what happened next, but I'm going to tell you anyway. As soon as the guy in front of me had bagged this things, I moved forward to start putting my groceries onto the counter. At this crucial point, my jeans decided that they wanted to have a bit of fun, and promptly slid off my hips and balanced precariously on the flat piece of wood I call an ass, proudly showing off to the world my fabulous low-rise Ginch Gonch underwear. Now to stop my jeans sliding further down, I stood with my legs quite some distance apart, so to anyone passing by it would look like my water just broke and I was waiting for the old heave-ho. Slowly and calmly, I slid my hands behind me, hooked my thumbs into my jeans, and proceeded to squirm and wiggle my way back into my jeans, whilst stupidly grinning at the oblivious clerk who was scanning barcodes to her heart's content. Thankfully, I managed to slide back into my jeans, pay for my stuff, and sashay out of the store before anyone had even noticed my little public display.

Moral of the story? Always have a belt in your car's glove compartment.

I recently enjoyed a fabulous birthday with my friends, and as part of the festivities, I had prepared a few CDs with my favorite songs, so we could boogie away on the dance floor. As part of the tracklist, a friend suggested I include MJ's Thriller just to mix things up a bit. You kinda already know what happens next - I jumped onto YouTube to find a video that would teach me the entire Thriller dance routine in under 3 minutes. After watching some horrifyingly complex videos, I came across two videos that I just had to share with you all.

The first video is the one that I watched to learn a more basic version of the Thriller, but what's utterly fantastic is the running commentary...have a watch:



And the second video is just...well, if you'd like to do the Thriller when you're hopped up on speed:


'80s Dances: How To Do The Thriller

I had a rather fun weekend at the cinema with some friends - we decided to pull off a brief cinema marathon and went to see Star Trek and Angels & Demons back to back. I enjoyed both movies, but what's worth mentioning is that because the shows we had gone for were so busy, we decided to go for the ' VIP' seating for better viewing.

Now let me just explain what 'VIP seating' at Dubai cinemas means. You get to sit on the very last row of the cinema, against the back wall - this is supposedly a 'premium viewing angle'. The seats recline back, but you have to keep your back pushed into the seat so that it stays reclined and doesn't catapult you four rows into the front. And that is pretty much the end of the VIP experience - you still have to wait in bloody long queues at the concession stand, and you still get loud-mouthed retards who sit next to you.

Truly, worth every penny that we paid.

White House Correspondant's Dinner.
Wanda Sykes.
You figure out what happens...

Apparently there's a vicious rumor flying around town that Paris Hilton is set to fly to Dubai to film a Middle East version of 'My New Best Friend'. I don't know if she's going to be wearing an abaya or not during filming, but it's sure to be a hoot to see if this tramp is going to even make it out of the airport.

In my opinion, if you want to contract at least six STDs just by being around her, then sign up to hang out with Mizz Hilton!

I love the tinternet - there's always so much wonderful stuff that gets forwarded on. Recently I've been catching a few of the blogs and websites I follow going abuzz with a new TV spot that speaks out against same-sex marriage. Below is the original video:


And here's what the gays have to say:


Viva les gays!

I got this through Sam's blog, and the original post can be found here, but it was just too good to keep to myself.


My son is gay. I knew that he was gay when I realized that he had too many good things about him to be just one person; I think that he was two years old. His interests were varied, as were his abilities. Not only was he more able to get along with both genders better than most adults, but, as he grew up, he was able to converse on a multitude of subjects and participate in a multitude of activities. Do NOT insert snide remark here. He suffered because of who he was. I didn’t know it; he was that caring to protect me.

If you are not on good terms with your gay or lesbian child, you and your child will miss out…YOU more than your child. You will not be let in to his or her world and you will not be entrusted with their love. You will not be revered, respected or cared about if you do not know what a gift your child is. The fact that he or she is gay takes away nothing from the priceless life you brought into the world. It is another facet of who your child is and another piece of the magnificent puzzle that is life.

As my father said to my son when my son told him that he was gay, “Grandson, that means as much to me as the color of your eyes.” My father was an incredible man, just like my son.

Homosexuality is not a choice; it is part of a human’s makeup. Do you really believe that anyone wakes up one day and says to himself or to herself, “I think that, from now on, I will conduct myself in a completely different and largely unacceptable manner. I will make myself become attracted to someone of my same sex and I will prefer things that are confusing to all who love me. I will fight the urges of my physiology, sexuality and chemistry and do the exact opposite. I want to be someone who is often beat up, harassed and usually dismissed as being less than a human being. I want to be ridiculed and unloved by my parents and disciplined, sometimes unmercifully, for being other than what they had in mind when they created me.” Think about that for a few seconds. What in the Universe would be the gain of such actions?

If you have been unsupportive of your child because he or she is gay, you have just plain been unsupportive of your child. If you have had angry thoughts or have chastised or punished your child because of their homosexuality, you have acted against the very essence of life. Your child may very well go on and thrive anyway. However, it will never be because of anything positive that you did on their behalf. It will be in spite of all you have done to bring down the very being to whom you gave life. My son and his partner, Sam, had their committment ceremony over a year ago. As the most important icing on the wedding cake, they are now legally married. Sam is so amazing! I could not have asked for a better son-in-law!

Every child teaches his or her parents many things. They teach us what a true love really is, how much of a child we always will be and they teach us that the world is a wonderful place. They bring hope to the world while they bring validation to our existence. They are the children of the Universe…the future…the reason to face another day. Depriving your child of your love, trust, affection and esteem will cause you to wither and die an unfulfilled human; unloved by the very creature who was meant to love you unconditionally. Your days will echo with the laughter that might have been and you will look forward to the night because it brings sleep…and, with sleep, escape from the light.

If you are concerned about what sexual acts take place behind the door of privacy, are you so certain that the acts you perform behind those doors…or even elsewhere…are those which you believe are someone else’s business? If you show scorn to your homosexual child, or worse, you have done a crime against nature. Are you certain that it is wrong for two people to make love…ANY two people…more wrong than two people bringing fear and pain to each other? Have YOU ever been cherished?

I hope that I live long enough to see that marriage between same-gender people is accepted in our culture. There are so many people who accept hate between people and murder between people. The old hippie saying of “Make Love, Not War” is more blistering a comment on these times than I would ever have imagined.If you want to lose your connection to the Earth and to your time here, all you have to do is forsake your child.

Do not get me wrong; there is nothing for YOU to forgive. However, there is much for your child to forgive…if you ever get the chance and if you ever see the light. And this is the most important of all of my...tales from a broad.

I recently flew to Mumbai for a quick two day business trip, and even though I've only been to India a few number of times, the city always seem to have a life of its own. I can tell you one thing though - some of those rickshaw rides can put my 4-speed adjustable vibrator to shame.

What is it about hotel rooms that brings out the naughty side of people? I had a 'special friend' of mine meet up at my hotel room, and after some blissful hours, had to bid him adieu. I then decided to ring up room service for some dinner, consisting simply of some pulao, vegetable curry, and of course gulab jamun. A few minutes later the room service guy arrives with my food, but I also notice that he's brought in two of everything - two plates, two knives, two forks, two water glasses, and even two gulab jamuns! He quietly sets everything down, whips around, and says to me "Have a very good night sir!", while at the same time flashing me his widest smile that loosely translated to "Oh you filthy filthy little boy!"

At that point I didn't know which would be quicker - leaping out of the window or electrocution in the bathtub.

Brides.

All over the world, millions of women dream of the day when they can don that fabled white dress, walk gracefully down the aisle in front of hundreds of their friends and family, and stand in front of the one they love. For anyone who's only attended a wedding ceremony, the entire affair can appear so graceful and hassle-free, but behind the scenes things are a different matter. The only way you can pull off a wedding without any hitches is if you've injected yourself with a concentrated solution of Red Bull and cocaine (a must see btw).

So one of the most important things to a new bride is of course, the wedding dress. Everything else becomes totally insignificant for a new bride - including who she's going to be marrying. Almost every bride describes this feeling of 'just knowing' when they've tried on the right dress, how at long last they had that coveted object that no other woman on the planet was allowed to get her grimy mitts on. Well I'm happy to report that recently a friend of mine asked me what she thought of the wedding dress that she had picked out (and ordered) for her wedding in December this year. Now I don't quite know which planet she comes from, but if you ask a gay man about his opinion on fashion, 99% of the time you're going to get the bitter truth. She showed me a picture of this dress that had so much volume in it, that it looked like an upside-down carnation. It had layers upon layers of fabric cascading all the way down, and it could actually look good on a woman who was say 6 feet tall. The layers were not going to do anything for her body shape, and it was just an absolute nightmare for me to see her beaming face staring lovingly at the mess of rags that was her wedding dress. So it was almost natural (nay, a reflex action) for me to tell her the first thing that jumped into my head when I saw that dress:

"You'll look like you're wearing a ribbed condom"

Sam,




She will always love you.