During one of my nightly visits with a close friend of mine, he turned to me and bluntly said "I'm lonely". I turned to him and thought in my head "Are you kidding me? You're lonely?" Though of course I didn't say anything and just humored him, but over and over in my head I kept thinking about what it really is like to feel lonely.

Lonely is spending as much time with your friends on the weekends because you don't want to come home to an empty bed. Lonely is going to the best place to eat in town and having the courage to say "Table for one". Lonely is caring about someone so much even though the object of your affections will never feel the same way about you. Lonely is going to a wedding and mouthing "I do" with the couple.

Lonely? You don't know half the story my friend...

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So I managed to catch the movie "300" over the weekend with The Baan. And let me tell you this, it ain't no Alexander / Troy clone. This is a hardcore battle movie - expect to see lots of blood and arms / legs/ heads flying across the screen. Certainly not the kind of movie I'd go to see alone, but I decided to jump onto the bandwagon and see what all the fuss was about.

Well I hate to completely destroy the movie for The Baan and for a lot of you, but this is one of the gayest movies I've seen yet (Harry Potter and LOTR is in the top ranks). I mean an entire army wearing black low rise trunks and red capes? And every friggin soldier had a perfect six-pack...what did they bench press back then, goats? If you thought that wasn't camp enough, the main villain King Xerxes looks like a drag queen from a really bad Las Vegas show. His scenes simply spell out "closet case" - the gold S&M collars and shower-curtain piercings don't help. If you haven't watched the movie yet, then stop reading - I'm about to destroy one of the most powerful scenes in the movie. So, without further adieu, I bring you my very original Unheard Dialogues from 300:

Scene: Xerxes wants Leonidas to surrender and acknowledge him as the one true god-king bla bla bla.




Xerxes: Surrender Leonidas, you don't stand a chance against my army!
Leonidas: Surrender? Never! Spartans never...ooo that feels good...oo a little to the left...

Xerxes: Does my ass look fat in the golden thong?

Leonidas: Dude, what the fuck is that smell?
Xerxes: You like? They're my extra-strength pig hormones I got off Amazon.

Leonidas: Man, how'd you get all that bling?
Xerxes: Oh I have my sources...
Leonidas: The prop department?
Xerxes: Nah, 50 cent.

Xerxes: Where the hell have you been? Dinner was 2 hours ago!
Leonidas: Oh...er..I was out with the guys..
Xerxes: Is that blood on your cape? You were out slaughtering again, weren't you? Oh I should have listened to my mother...no good can come from marrying a man wearing a leather jockstrap!

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Dear Friend,

I got an unexpected email today from your sister in which she told me that you had made another attempt on your life. I was a bit sad to hear about this, but I was more concerned about whether you were alive or not. She told me that you tried drowning this time but someone managed to break through the door after they found out you had locked it. I am sorry that these feelings have come up again - I know how hard you have been fighting to work things out within yourself and move on with your life. You were such a different person in school, and I really miss seeing that side of you. I know that life sometimes seems so impossible and that death is the easy door out, but frankly it really isn't. I know that you read this every so often, so I want to dedicate this post to you, in the hopes that you will realize that sometimes even the strongest seeming people can break down into pieces.

When I was 17 my depression cycles would occur more often. Though I was faithfully on my meds, they seemed to have little effect. One day, I unscrewed the blade from a pencil sharpener and went to the bathroom. I dug the blade deep into my thighs and into my buttocks, letting it carve through my flesh like you would a turkey. But within minutes, the regret set in and I panicked. I hugged my thighs and pressed my wounds as tightly as possible. Though there weren't so many cuts, there were still small trickles of blood going down my thighs. I gently washed myself and wrapped my entire lower body in long cream bandages. I put on a pair of jeans and painfully walked out. After a week, the cuts had nearly closed up, yet the dark lines scored across my thighs.

At 23 my depression would set in only when triggered by external events, such as conversations, people, or particular environments. During one of my more aggravated phases, I ingested about 12 Panadols before going to sleep, under the delusion that I would never wake up in the morning. Two hours after I had gone to bed, I awoke and threw up on my zebra rug - another hour or so would have caused liver damage.

So you see my friend, even the mightiest among us have fallen in their lives, so do not think that you are in this world on your own. I hope that you find the strength that you need to bring yourself out of this low part in your life, so you can really, truly, start living.


Yours always.

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The Evil has landed.

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So this weekend I went for Mark and Linda's wedding, which was just like going to prom all over again. Ruth and I went as the 'fashionably late' couple, which involved us first getting stuck in traffic at 4:30 when the wedding was due to begin, and then arriving at 9:30 at the party hall, just in time for the couple to waltz in 10 minutes after our arrival. I mentioned that if we had been any later, we would have been showered with confetti along with the couple. Can you image that? People would be hurling confetti at us and then 10 seconds later someone would shout "Hold up everyone...false alarm - just some to fucking latecomers...PLACES EVERYONE!"

The best part about weddings of course, is looking around the party hall and observing all the various characters (and alter-egos) that come to pay a visit. At our table was an OCD guy who insisted to the waiter that the centrepiece candle on our table should be lit. After the waiter lit the damn thing, a quick poll of the tables in the hall revealed we were the only retards with our candles lit, like we were a fucking lighthouse to guide the couple to the stage. I think I'll just have Bunsen burners on the tables at my wedding.

Hilarious moments of the day were as follows:

• wearing a huge condom-looking thing on my head before getting my hair dyed.
• telling Ruth that she look fabulous, but closely resembled an Oscar.
• standing in the buffet line only to hear a woman behind me yakking in Konkani, unaware that I could understand every word she was saying "Arey - where's the pork? So sad no?"
• shaking my groove thang on the dance floor only to look up and see a 55 year old woman in a blue sari dancing exactly like me. God I need to take dance lessons.
• having the bellydancer dance in front of a really old guy only for her to clap her hands loudly to have to wake him from his coma.
• watching the same bellydancer keep a straight face when the guy dancing with her looked like a Whirlpool washing machine on spin cycle.

At the end of the night, we were quite tired and it was a fantastic wedding. To Mark and Linda, wishing you both the very best for your married life, and once again, Congratulations!

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This post is way overdue, and I've finally managed to scrap some free time to put all my thoughts down. For those of you who weren't aware, I went to the UK last week for some IT training at my company's office. Naturally, I was going to take this opportunity to visit every single place I could without looking like a tourist. Though I think I blew my cover when I took pictures of myself sitting in the train. Instead of writing a whole chunk of my adventures in Britain, I've just drummed up a couple of points that sums up my trip quite well.

1. No matter which bar you enter - gay or straight- you are never too far away from a drunk American tourist...complete with backpack.
2. G-A-Y reminded me so much of Babylon from Queer as Folk
3. Your Oyster card will get you into more clubs than regular ID.
4. Sophie Ellis Bextor rocks.
5. Krispy Kreme totally kicks Dunkin Donut's ass.
6. You can meet up with someone you haven't seen in 6 years and pick up right where you left off.
7. You can meet someone for the first time in real life and feel like you've known them for a lifetime.
8. You can be having phone sex on a public bus at 6:45am and no one is going to bat an eyelid.
9. I wish the 'Underwear only' dress policy could be applied to some clubs here.
10. You are always sexy in a new country.
11. Airline food always has such exotic names, but on arrival it looks like microwaved shit.
12. At least 2 of the male stewards on your flight will be gay, and will pay special attention to you if their gaydar picks you up.
13. Vacuum toilets are really cool.
14. At least once in your travels on a plane, you will end up sitting next to the constant bathroom running freak, the incredibly fat guy, the hyperactive kid who kicks your seat, and the person who thinks your shoulder is the seat pillow.
15. It's probably a good idea to ask for directions instead of sitting on a train and assuming that it's going to take you to your exact destination.
16. There is actually a place called Strawberry Hill.
17. I was born to live in Soho.
18. People will do anything to make a fast buck, including singing into a traffic cone. Seriously.

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