Merry Christmas everyone!

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Since it's the Christmas season, here's something to chew on. We've invented microwave dinners, put a man on the moon, and pioneered genetic research. But in all our technological wonder, no one has thought about making freaking tangle-free Christmas tree lights. You know the scene - you've got the tree up, the decorations are on, and everything is perfect. Just the lights to get on the tree and you're done. But you reach into the box of decorations and pull out a jumbled mass of wires that looks like someone's intestines. And the worst part is, you will spend the next hour or so enlisting the help of an entire household to get the damn thing untangled. Of course, you're actually making things worse as you go along, but you're determined to be victorious. And you know what's even better? Those stupid sharp plastic lights that are supposed to look like stars or some shit on your tree - the crap ones that the store guy gleeful sold you because they looked good on the store tree. These little fuckers will carve into your skin as you go along, so in the end you hands look like you've been manhandling a cat. Here's my suggestion - why don't we just set the whole damn tree on fire? There is nothing better on a cold night than a nice big warm fire to cuddle around. Oh and the fragrant smell of slightly charred pine.

Speaking of trees, can someone please explain to me this new phenomenon of an 'upside down Christmas tree'? I nearly passed out when I saw this in a mall - a tree that's basically standing on its head with its ass up in the air. Which guru came up with this radical design? The best thing - truly the best thing, was the number of people who were coming up, admiring the sad excuse for a tree, and picking up boxes of the it! Will we buy anything these days and call it a tree? A co-worker of mine has decorated a palm tree with tinsel this year. A palm tree? I mean we may be in a freaking desert, but what's next - a Sahara Santa?

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I
love
this
woman.

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People love to give advice. Whether you've asked for it or not, someone is always going to tell you what they think. Wouldn't it just be easier for everyone if there was a 1-800 number you could dial for advice? And I don't mean those lameass anti-depression phone lines you can call and talk to some bimbo on the end who's probably too busy filing her nails to worry about your O.D. No, I mean a proper phone service with certified people who can actually relate to the shit you're going through. Want to work at the suicide hotline? The requirement would be that you should have attempted suicide at least 4 times (and preferably lived). But then again, the only reason your dumb ass is still alive today is that you didn't listen to someone's advice about the proper height to jump from. See? It all ties back into itself quite nicely. And by the way, what's with the little sign near the bridge that says "DON'T JUMP - CALL THIS NUMBER" I'm committing suicide and you expect me to have a cell phone on me? Hell no - I'm not taking my Nokia down with me! And what if the lines are busy - do you get a message like "All are staff are busy helping other lunatics. Please don't jump, your life is important to us"

Growing up, I got all sorts of useless advice, especially from my mum. SO digging through my morbid childhood, let's go through some of her real gems:

Don't eat seeds, a tree will grow inside you.
If I had a buck for every time she said this, I could go out and buy a freaking palm tree, stick it in the toilet, and then tell my mum Look ma - come see what I made!

Leave a little bit left in your glass or people will think you're greedy.
For the life of me, I don't know what this one is supposed to mean. And you want to know the really retarded thing? I'm still leaving a bit of juice or whatever in my glass even today! Stupid fucking subliminal programming...

Don't play with dogs - you're going to get asthma.
I used to get this only when I'd go over to my Uncle's house. He had an adorable Alsatian dog, and I would love to play with it for hours on end. But clearly my mum must have had some sort of tragic encounter with a dog when she was a kid, because every time we got home, she would march me into the bathroom and scrub me down like I was a chopping board.


Later on in life though, she quit preaching her own words of wisdom, and starting quoting other people. Oh so-and-so said that soaking your utensils in bleach water will make them SHINE. Yea, go ahead with that one ma - when I'm foaming at the mouth please don't be alarmed. And recently she has gotten to quoting Oprah. Now I like Oprah, she's a cool woman on a mission to clothe the unfashionable and what not, but not a day goes by without my mum instilling some or Oprah's words of wisdom. Oh today Oprah said this and then this happened and then he came on the show.. I mean it sounds like a ball by ball play when my mum talks about the Oprah show. I tell you that Oprah's gotten a bit drunk with power - "Okay everyone, today's show is going be taped in...this jumbo jet! Yea! YES! YES! WOOHOO! YES! And we're all going to go on...A MYSTERY FLIGHT! YEA! YEA! Now instead of landing on the runway, we're going to park our plane right into the side of that building over there...now I can see a few worried faces in the audience, but don't worry - you all get...A FREE TOTE BAG!

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Re: Pride & Prejudice

Dear Mr. _________,

It has been brought to our attention that you recently made a false comment regarding our organization's founder, Mr. Harrison Ford.

On the morning of December 12th, 2007, you stated that Mr. Harrison Ford starred in a film production 'Pride & Prejudice'. I would like to clearly state for the record that Mr. Ford did not act in said film, and the credibility of your information is clearly questionable.

We would appreciate some token of public apology on your behalf for discrediting Mr Ford's reputation with said comment.



Yours sincerely,


The Ford Foundation.

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What time is it when Oprah joins your rival?



Time to throw in the fucking towel.

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So the Christmas season is upon us, and as usual I am running around like a headless turkey because I have way too much work to get down and zero time on my hands. I've got 11 cake orders to fill in, a 7ft christmas tree to put up, decorate the entire house, finalize my Christmas Party plans, finish gift shopping, and carol rehearsals. But there's one thing about Christmas which actually makes me smile. Christmas has no longer become a Christian-only tradition, and many of my non-Christian friends are gleefully telling me that they're going to be putting up their tree soon and arrange a Christmas dinner. Now all this of course is purely the commercial aspect of Christmas talking, but in all honesty, it really is nice to see how during a time of thanks and giving, most people can pack up their shit and enjoy some quality time with friends and family, regardless of their religion. So go ahead - put up a Christmas tree, fix a bear trap for Santa, and snuggle into bed.

Do you know what I find to be the funniest thing in the world? People who are so insecure about their luggage being lost or stolen during a flight, that they not only lock the suitcase, but bind it with plastic rope and write 'DXB - BOMBAY' on white tape all over the damn thing. Take note people..it's called Mumbai now. The second funniest thing? Guys who straighten their hair to look all sophisticated, but end up looking like a dried mop head. I've seen a couple of guys who've had their hair straightened, and then cut up properly so that it looks really good, but so many guys I've seen recently just have it straightened and then combed flat back across their head, as if to carve a drag-race track in their skull. Whenever I see these guys around I just want to go up to them and say "Ever heard of a stylist?"

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So a little bit more publicity for me today - I got my blog reviewed by a site called "Our Blog Review". Basically if you have a blog and you'd like to know what someone else thinks of it (I mean what they truthfully think...no money bribes here) then give them a holler.

You can read my blog's review here. Thanks for making this drama queen smile (:

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I remember doing this a while ago, but the post has long been lost in my archives. So I'm sitting here with a nice cup of noodle soup, ready to plough through this again. These, my beloved readers, are 100 things about me - enjoy.

1. I'm a little annoyed that I can't find my original list.
2. I've just been baking and there is a lovely smell of vanilla around the house.
3. Oddly enough, my mum loves vanilla but doesn't like the smell of vanilla cookies.
4. I have a weird relationship with my parents.
5. I have an even weirder relationship with my siblings.
6. I much prefer the company of my friends.
7. I tend to ramble a lot when I speak.
8. I love being gay.
9. No really - I don't think I would trade it in for anything.
10. Though at one point in my youth I wished I was straight like my friends.
11. I cried a lot over being different from other boys.
12. In time, I would learn to embrace my sexuality and celebrate being different.
13. I could knit a scarf at age 9.
14. This worried my mum quite a bit.
15. I've learnt that even a really good friendship can have a sour moment.
16. My friends are the family that loves me for not being straight.
17. I owe a lot to the people who've brought me back to sanity.
18. At one point I tried to take my life.
19. Apparently, God had other plans for me.
20. I look back on that event and realize how stupid and cowardly it was.
21. I am a Facebook junkie.
22. I'm also a gaming nutter and spend too much time on my consoles.
23. After 9 years I finally deleted my gaydar profile.
24. And I'm having withdrawal symptoms.
25. I'm an average cook but to this day I can't make proper apple pie.
26. I'm as camp as they come and a true bitch at heart.
27. But I'm a terrific 'people person'.
28. Do you doubt that, bitch?
29. I believe in the power of prayer.
30. I've been praying for a husband for about 6 years.
31. I love chocolate.
32. I was often bullied at college because of my sexuality.
33. I have learned to forgive those people.
34. In school, I was the person who sat right in the front and answered every question.
35. My friends loved me for that because that meant the teacher never picked on them.
36. I once slapped a boy in school for calling me a girl.
37. That guy is now on my Facebook.
38. But he is in my limited profile bit.
39. Sometimes I wish I was straight for a day so that I could show a few of my girlfriends just how special they are.
40. I have a fetish for men's low-rise underwear.
41. I grew up with my friends telling me I would burn in Hell for being gay.
42. I no longer call those people my friends.
43. I don't remember names - I remember outfits.
44. I'm a tea lover.
45. I'm Indian, gay, and Catholic - could life get any more complicated?
46. According to my mum, I have a wedding fund in the bank.
47. I wonder if she would let me have the money even if I wasn't getting married.
48. She would probably give it to Mother Teresa than to her gay son.
    
49. I have met some truly amazing men in my life.
50. And a variety of psychos.
51. Psychos outweigh amazing men 7:1
52. As a Gemini, I don't believe in savings - only spending.
53. I love music and singing in the choir.
54. Yes, I was an altar boy once.
55. I think that was a phase I was going through.
56. George Michael use to be my favorite artist - now he's my favorite junkie.
57. Growing up I never could decide what I wanted to do as a career.
58. To date, I have dabbled in interior design, art, marketing, IT, and even massage.
59. That last one was just something to bring in extra pocket money.
60. It still does bring in extra pocket money.
61. I finally settled on being an IT and Marketing guru.
62. I'm the youngest of 4 kids.
63. Growing up we had to keep our clothes in a 4-drawer filing cabinet.
64. No, I'm not kidding.
65. I long for the day when I can take part in a Pride parade.
66. I've only flown four times in my entire life.
67. I'm hoping to change that over the years.
68. I've planned out my wedding before even finding the right man.
69. For the longest time I held onto the idea of a 'soulmate'.
70. Now I'll just settle for any man who's single.
71. I think gay men are just as scared of commitment as straight men.
72. I've been called a commitmaphobe on several occasions.
73. A part of me knows that it's probably true.
74. I love cats.
75. I don't mind dogs but I don't think I'd keep one of my own.
76. I'm probably going to end up with a man who loves dogs.
77. I have tried sushi and I'm not a very big fan.
78. The only alcoholic drink I'll have is an orange Barcadi Breezer.
79. I once told a bartender to 'bring me a virgin mary - hold the jesus'.
80. He gave me the drink for free.
81. I have realized how hard it is to love someone and for them not to feel the same way.
82. I don't particularly worship Cher or Madonna.
83. I hope to learn how to ride a bike one day.
84. My biggest fear is dying and not having told the people closest to me how much I love them.
85. I have never watched Bambi.
86. Yes, you read that right.
87. Despite being Indian, I am not a fan of Bollywood.
88. Neither do I lust after Hrithik or Salman.
89. I dislike people who are a homophobic and have no particular reason for it.
90. I have absolutely no clue what I should be doing for the next 5 years.
91. I have the memory capacity of a grapefruit.
92. My first 'boyfriend' treated me like a paying guest.
93. So I flushed the contents of his wallet down the toilet.
94. But I left the wallet for him on the edge of the seat.
95. It was made of really good leather.
96. I'm trying my best to take life one day at a time and not worry so much.
97. Like most people, there are things in my life I regret doing.
98. But the less I think about them, the better I feel.
99. My wardrobe ranges from business exec to camp go go boy.
100. I am, on many occasions, thankful that I'm me.
     

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