Since it's the Christmas season, here's something to chew on. We've invented microwave dinners, put a man on the moon, and pioneered genetic research. But in all our technological wonder, no one has thought about making freaking tangle-free Christmas tree lights. You know the scene - you've got the tree up, the decorations are on, and everything is perfect. Just the lights to get on the tree and you're done. But you reach into the box of decorations and pull out a jumbled mass of wires that looks like someone's intestines. And the worst part is, you will spend the next hour or so enlisting the help of an entire household to get the damn thing untangled. Of course, you're actually making things worse as you go along, but you're determined to be victorious. And you know what's even better? Those stupid sharp plastic lights that are supposed to look like stars or some shit on your tree - the crap ones that the store guy gleeful sold you because they looked good on the store tree. These little fuckers will carve into your skin as you go along, so in the end you hands look like you've been manhandling a cat. Here's my suggestion - why don't we just set the whole damn tree on fire? There is nothing better on a cold night than a nice big warm fire to cuddle around. Oh and the fragrant smell of slightly charred pine.

Speaking of trees, can someone please explain to me this new phenomenon of an 'upside down Christmas tree'? I nearly passed out when I saw this in a mall - a tree that's basically standing on its head with its ass up in the air. Which guru came up with this radical design? The best thing - truly the best thing, was the number of people who were coming up, admiring the sad excuse for a tree, and picking up boxes of the it! Will we buy anything these days and call it a tree? A co-worker of mine has decorated a palm tree with tinsel this year. A palm tree? I mean we may be in a freaking desert, but what's next - a Sahara Santa?

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