People love to give advice. Whether you've asked for it or not, someone is always going to tell you what they think. Wouldn't it just be easier for everyone if there was a 1-800 number you could dial for advice? And I don't mean those lameass anti-depression phone lines you can call and talk to some bimbo on the end who's probably too busy filing her nails to worry about your O.D. No, I mean a proper phone service with certified people who can actually relate to the shit you're going through. Want to work at the suicide hotline? The requirement would be that you should have attempted suicide at least 4 times (and preferably lived). But then again, the only reason your dumb ass is still alive today is that you didn't listen to someone's advice about the proper height to jump from. See? It all ties back into itself quite nicely. And by the way, what's with the little sign near the bridge that says "DON'T JUMP - CALL THIS NUMBER" I'm committing suicide and you expect me to have a cell phone on me? Hell no - I'm not taking my Nokia down with me! And what if the lines are busy - do you get a message like "All are staff are busy helping other lunatics. Please don't jump, your life is important to us"

Growing up, I got all sorts of useless advice, especially from my mum. SO digging through my morbid childhood, let's go through some of her real gems:

Don't eat seeds, a tree will grow inside you.
If I had a buck for every time she said this, I could go out and buy a freaking palm tree, stick it in the toilet, and then tell my mum Look ma - come see what I made!

Leave a little bit left in your glass or people will think you're greedy.
For the life of me, I don't know what this one is supposed to mean. And you want to know the really retarded thing? I'm still leaving a bit of juice or whatever in my glass even today! Stupid fucking subliminal programming...

Don't play with dogs - you're going to get asthma.
I used to get this only when I'd go over to my Uncle's house. He had an adorable Alsatian dog, and I would love to play with it for hours on end. But clearly my mum must have had some sort of tragic encounter with a dog when she was a kid, because every time we got home, she would march me into the bathroom and scrub me down like I was a chopping board.


Later on in life though, she quit preaching her own words of wisdom, and starting quoting other people. Oh so-and-so said that soaking your utensils in bleach water will make them SHINE. Yea, go ahead with that one ma - when I'm foaming at the mouth please don't be alarmed. And recently she has gotten to quoting Oprah. Now I like Oprah, she's a cool woman on a mission to clothe the unfashionable and what not, but not a day goes by without my mum instilling some or Oprah's words of wisdom. Oh today Oprah said this and then this happened and then he came on the show.. I mean it sounds like a ball by ball play when my mum talks about the Oprah show. I tell you that Oprah's gotten a bit drunk with power - "Okay everyone, today's show is going be taped in...this jumbo jet! Yea! YES! YES! WOOHOO! YES! And we're all going to go on...A MYSTERY FLIGHT! YEA! YEA! Now instead of landing on the runway, we're going to park our plane right into the side of that building over there...now I can see a few worried faces in the audience, but don't worry - you all get...A FREE TOTE BAG!

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