I love my phone.

And not just because it's pink and has stickers like "I love the UPS guy" on it, but because my phone is a doorway for a flood of entertaining spam to try and get through. When I'm not frantically deleting SMS messages about international phone rates, or special offers at an overpriced steakhouse, I'm dealing with complete morons calling me up for random customer service surveys or some other shit.

A new thing I've discovered is that word has got out that I have a lot of money and need to invest it somewhere as clearly I'm a complete moron when it comes to saving and apparently stuffing wads of cash under my mattress isn't a great idea. But back to my phone call - I got a call from a 'reputed financial advisor' who has probably called at least four of the people reading this blog post. By the end of the conversation I had caused myself a serious hernia from holding in my laughter, as well as making the guy feel about 2 inches tall.

So if you're tired of random strangers calling you up and telling you that they have a better idea what you can do with your money, then read on:

(phone rings)
me: Hello?
Caller: Hi there! This is Daniel calling from _________ - am I speaking to Mr. _______?
me: Yes you are
Caller: (exploding with excitement that I'm the first person who's not told him to fuck off yet) OH HI THERE!
me: Hiiii.........
D: How are you?
me: I'm doing good - doing really good!
D: Do you have a few moments to talk?

(At this point I've now stepped away from my desk at work, having made up my mind to compeletly screw this guy into oblivion)

me: sure go ahead - what can I help you with?
D: Oh great - well I got your contact from a colleague of mine.....
me: oh really? Which colleague was that?
D: Sorry?
me: Who did you get my number from?
D: Oh right - sorry! I got it from my colleague Sayed - he said you'd be keen to hear what we can offer you.
me: Sayed? Sayed..Sayed....Oh yes Sayed! I remember him! (I've never known anyone with that name in my life!)
D: That's great! So..
me: I didn't know he was working for _______ now! That's great news! How's he doing?
D: Uh - yea he's doing good now... (clearly bullshitting along with me at this point)
me: Oh that's really good to hear - I didn't hear back from him after his divorce
D: Yea - well he's a good guy, he's doing much better now
me: That's great - well do pass on my regards!
D: Oh yea, I will....
me: Great - so Daniel, what can I help you with?
D: (breathing a very loud sigh of relief) Ok great! Well as I said I'm calling from ________ and just wanted to talk to you about a new package that we've launched that I think you'd be interested in.
me: Sure - go for it!

(Proceeds to go on long-winded description of said package and financial benefit, and how over a period of years I can reap the benefits bla bla bla)

D: So how does that sound?
me: Well it sounds quite interesting actually
D: That's great - just what I wanted to hear. I can come and meet you in person to talk to you about the package some more as well as answer any questions you may have. Can I just ask you a few basic questions?
me: Sure no problem - go ahead!
D: Excellent - so I'm assuming that you're British?

I'm going to pause at this point and say a couple of things. Firstly, I'm not British. Secondly, I honestly understand why the guy would have made this mistake because I have a lot of British coworkers, and over the past 4 years their accent has rubbed off a bit into the way I talk. But I digress...

me: Actually, I'm not British, I'm Indian.
D: Oh really? So sorry about that - I couldn't quite place your accent...really sorry about that.
me: That's okay.
D: So moving on, can I ask what salary you are on?
me: salary?
D: Yes salary - how much do you earn per month?
me: Oh I don't earn anything per month
D: Sorry?
me: I don't work
D: So you're unemployed?
me: No, I don't work because I don't need to
D: Er - so you don't have a permanent job in the UAE?
me: No, I don't have a permanent job, I mostly do freelance work if I want to
D: (clearly disappointed) Okay, so you're not working full time at the moment then. Do you have any funds or assets here in the UAE?
me: Yes, I have some money here in a savings account
D: (clearly not interested at this point) Oh okay, so how much do you have in savings?
me: I think about 2
D: 2?
me: Yea, about 2 maybe, it might be a bit more or less.
D: 2 what? Thousand?
me: Oh no, 2 million
D: 2 MILLION?
me: Yes about 2 million I think
D: Are you serious?
me: Of course I'm serious
D: No seriously, you have 2 million in savings?
me: Yes, why do you think I do only freelance?
D: Wow - I mean really, you have 2 million in your bank account?
me: Is that a problem?
D: No no, of course not! No problem at all! (I can hear him hyperventilating at this point) We can certainly help you invest that money so you can get a quicker return!
me: Oh but I've already got someone for that
D: Sorry?
me: yes, yes, I am working with _______ from ________ who is helping me with my investments quite well for the past couple of months
D: Oh okay, so you wouldn't be interested in meeting with me to discuss any help with your finances?
me: No, I think I'm quite happy with _________
D: Okay then, well thanks a lot for your time and have a great day, but do feel free to call me if you need anything at all.
me: Sure, no problems at all!
D: Okay - well bye then!
me: Oh, Daniel?
D: Yes?
me: Could you please give me Sayed's number? It would be great to catch up with him after so long!
D: You know I'll just ask him to call you back instead if that's okay with you
me: Sure, no problem at all - have a great day Daniel!
D: Bye. (click)

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