As a kid, I used to worship Martha Stewart - I mean literally worship the woman. The Martha Stewart show used to come on Channel 33 back in the days, right after The Bold and the Beautiful, and I used to rush into the room and sit transfixed in front of the TV while my idol showed millions of Americans how to turn old egg shells into compost. The woman was like Jesus - she could make anything out of anything. She could turn barbed wire into an art-deco swan if she wanted to. I always remember her signature line "It's a good thing" and for many years to come, that would be my mantra. But after puberty hit and I discovered men, my affection for Martha began to wane, and soon I grew tired of this household hag that could make perfect cupcakes and sow enough uniforms for the U.S Army. But the biggest fun was when she got arrested for insider trading - the woman got even more famous! There were videos of her greeting people in her cell, she brought that hairball-looking poncho into fashion, spawned a new TV show - the woman literally flew out of control. So much so, that at one time it was a fashion statement to have an ankle bracelet - and I don't mean the ones made of silver. Closely following in Martha's heels is our little cupcake, Rachel Ray. Now Rachel is sweet and way more lovable that Martha, but sometimes I worry about her too. For one thing, how many damn Red Bulls does the woman have before her show? She's like the Energizer bunny on steroids once those cameras start rolling. And have you seen the food she cooks? It's like one dish can serve 60 people - complete with triple bypass from the amount of fat and cheese that goes into everything.

On a different train of thought, I've been moseying online these past few weeks, looking at a couple of guy profiles. I saw one rather well-written profile, with a nice photo attached (i.e the guy actually had a face), so I decided to message this chap a brief introduction and ask him if he was interested in chatting or meeting for coffee. In about 2 minutes, I got his reply:

"I am looking for man over 90 kg"

Another profile caught my attention, so I messaged this guy, and here's his reply:

"hiii thanks for messaging me. I like your profile too but I like men with muscular bodies and small d**ks. Do you have a small d**k?"


Let's just take a moment here to absorb all that in.

Can anyone tell me where the fuck the normal guys have gone? Have all the gay men in the world jumped back in the closet and married women?

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