I need to be serious for 2 minutes and ask you all an important question. Can anyone tell me why men over 50 still think they can wear Speedos? A few weeks ago, I went to a sports club and lounged by the pool, and instead of being greeted by buff men in tiny Speedos oiling each other up, I was exposed to pasty, wrinkly, beer-bellied men walking around the pool in tight black Speedos. Now these things looked so tight that if the guy had bent over, the Speedo would snap off and give someone a head injury. I think the general rule should be if your stomach goes over the Speedo, then shorts are for you. I remember watching a show on MTV called The Grind, which featured countless buff men in ultra tight bathing suits, and the girls all clad in mini-bikinis. Though 90% of the teen crowd looked like they had been carved out of marble, occasionally the camera would pan onto someone slightly pudgy looking, i.e the 'token fat guy'. You know, the overweight guy who comes down to Spring Break in the hope of getting some action. I think if they ever brought back this show, we need to send all these Speedo-wearing old men down there, just to make the show look good.

Really funny true story to tell you all - I was in a mall yesterday, browsing around a greeting card shop, when out of nowhere this woman comes up to me and says "Namaste!" Now I don't think anyone has used that greeting since 1932, but looking at this female I could instantly tell she was a 'lost tourist' and just needed help. She had on the hip pouch, camera around her neck, slightly large hat, and bad tan lines. So when she said 'Namaste' to me, I was trying hard to decide if I should slap her, give her my finger snap-snap action, or just ignore her. Oblivious to the furious battle going on in my head, she continued and said "Can you tell me where there is a money exchange?" Clearly she wasn't getting the message that I was still reeling from her culturally misplaced greeting, so I decided to play along. I put on my thickest, heaviest 'Apu-from-the-Simpsons' accent and said to her "Oh surely! Simbly go down the stairs, turn right at the bottom, and you will be seeing it right there. You can not miss it!" It was incredibly difficult to keep a straight face, so I'm sure to her I looked like I was trying hard to control a seizure. Nevertheless, she said 'Thank You' and was on her way. I spent the rest of the day thinking to myself 'What would she have said if I was Chinese?'

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