It suprised me last week that somone special to me had to be reminded that there are people out there who wuv him. He happens to be one of the few men in my life who I care about a lot, and yes he just happens to be straight, before you ask me. Love you loads babe, hope your big day 'met with your approval' and can't wait for next year!

I often wonder why women spend 87% of their time trying to understand what makes men tick. Men on the other hand, spend a slightly higher percentage of their time (91.35%) trying to understand why women object to a screw at 2:30 in the afternoon. I've often been told that if I drive a Porsche I'll turn straight, so I'm happily driving my Corolla for the time being. However, I do wish to bestow some words of wisdom for all the poor lost women out there who have wasted their time trying to understand men.

From the apparent 'straight' side of me:

• We don't care about outfit coordination. If it smells clean, we'll wear it.
• Don't expect us to get your subtle hints. We are programmed to sit and pretend to listen to you when we are actually imaging what you would look like in the new G-string under your pillow.
• If we are going out to 'hang with the guys' expect us to be at a strip club. If you find a bra in the apartment that is not yours, do not over react.
• We interpret crying as a bodily malfunction, not as a cue to hold or hug you.
• We will scratch ourselves in public. Feel free to grab your breast if you're feeling left out.
• Our genetic makeup prohibits us from seeing the apparent joy of the activity you call 'shopping'. Instead, we see our hard earned, boss' ass-kissing money go down the toilet.
• It is not compulsory for us to lock the door when we are in the toilet.
• The only thing we use the Internet for is dirty chat rooms and porn. You can check your damn e-mails from an Internet Cafe.

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