I have no ass. The space between my lower back and the back of my thighs is available for rent. I've looked for 'miracle jeans' from Levis that apparently give you guaranteed buttage for a price, but even those don't seem to be doing the trick. Stuffing the back of my underwear is also out of the question, in case you're wondering. I could do squats, rolls, crunches, or whatever all day and I'd still have no ass. Why isn't there a pill for this already? I mean there's a pill to take care of what's in front, so why not one to take care of what's in the back? I envy some of the guys I see walking around malls with their butts high in the air (insert disturbing imagery here). I mean, are there some sort of 'push-up' briefs that I'm unaware of?

R talked with me about my apparent fetish for straight men. What can I say, for me the best men are always straight. And it's not that I'm going to hop in the sack with them (S are you reading this?), but a little dirty-flirty never hurt anyone. I mean, there aren't a lot of straight guys in my life...in fact, there aren't a lot of guys in my life period. However, if a delicious treat happens to waltz on by, don't expect me to act all angelic. You know I'm going to be picturing him in a towel already.

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